Is Your Partner a Spiritual Narcissist?
NAMITA PUROHIT 
8 reasons they do what they do, 5 ways it affects you and 4 steos you need to take.
In his classic book Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, the Tibetan Buddhist spiritual leader Chögyam Trungpa wrote:
“Walking the spiritual path properly is a very subtle process: it is not something to jump into naively. There are numerous sidetracks which lead to a distorted, ego-centered version of spirituality; we can deceive ourselves into thinking we are developing spirituality when instead we are strengthening our egocentricity through spiritual techniques.”
Everyone's false ego ego has an incessant need to be seen in a positive light, and will eagerly hijack whatever flow of consciousness it can use for its own enhancement. This even more so for a narcissist.
Read on to know 8 ways in which narcissists use spirituality to boost their ego centricity.
- Narcissists gravitate toward areas where high-quality narcissistic supply is easy to obtain. Frighteningly, many of them realize that being in a position of authority, particularly through spirituality or religion, is the perfect way to be above reproach and have a free ticket to exploit people for acclaim, attention, and resources
- Their need for approval and praise is so strong that they can perform the difficult aspects of spirituality to perfection—waking up very early, doing their sadhana or spiritual practices flawlessly, and maintaining perfect behavior.
- Charismatic preachers know every detail about the people attending their programs. They go out of their way to help and support these individuals in times of need. However, when you are sick, they won't even ask if you need food or be there by your side. Why? Because it does not further their ego, name, or fame. If they do help, they will make sure everyone knows about it.
- Simply by demonstrating how sincere and deep they are in their spiritual practices or how thoroughly they have understood the scriptures, they can gain a lot of fame, adulation, love, and praise—the perfect consistent supply they are seeking.
- They will use scripture to gaslight you, spiritually bypass your feelings and needs, and ask you to unite with them for a higher cause, encouraging you to learn how to be detached.
- They will connect with advanced spiritualists and try to be seen in their company because that proximity gives them a high. Additionally, it provides them with a new supply of adulation from others.
- They use spiritual excuses to neglect you: "Oh, I had this very important service," "Someone in the community was in need," or "I was doing my prayers and couldn't hear you call out to me." These responses make you feel guilty for needing them and interrupting their supposedly important spiritual practices.
- People in spiritual circles are very kind and tolerant. Even if they notice discrepancies in someone's behavior, they often ignore them as misunderstandings. They are also quick to praise and appreciate others, which the narcissist loves.
What does it do to you?
- If you are trying to grow spiritually, the eight behaviors discussed above can confuse you. You might think that because they do their spiritual practices so well, preach so effectively, and contribute so much to the community, there must be something wrong with you and that you need to fix yourself.
- You might think that by tolerating them, you are working through your relationship karma. Additionally, you might feel you must not fight back or criticize them because they are great devotees of the Lord, and you should avoid committing offenses against them as it may displease God
- Naturally, as you go through the pain, you may seek out people who are more spiritually connected and conscious. However, it can become a trap as you look for spiritual teachings for healing without addressing your vulnerabilities and psychological healing. You may find yourself moving from one narcissistic trap to another.
Those in spiritual circles often do not know much about narcissistic abuse. They may tell you to rely on God, prayer, and tolerance to deal with the abuse, but this advice does not provide effective help.
We have many students in the HealStrong from Narcissistic Abuse program who are victims of spiritual narcissist partners. This experience can be the most confusing and crazymaking. Let me know in the comments if you have experienced this. - Because you are trying to practice spirituality, you suppress your rage - the rage for all the boundary violations, the abuses, the gaslighting, for being used as a perfect trophy spiritual spouse to help them gain more name and fame in spiritual circles, their inauthenticity, their cheating behavior of not practicing anything spiritually themselves but deceiving others.
How does this rage express itself? As great uncontrolled anger where you cannot recoginise your behavior
OR great sickness in the body, chronic health issues, auto immune diseases and more. - New to spirituality, you may not be sure about your own identity as you navigate between your material identity and spiritual identity. With abuse, you can even lose that sense of self—experiencing a complete loss of identity, standing, and a breakdown in yourself and your confidence.
What can you do about it?
Here are 4 important points to eradicate this confusion for you and help you grow:
- One who is spiritually advanced is compassionate and loving, with high empathy for others. They are there to serve others and are alert to their prescribed duties. A spiritually advanced person does not neglect or harm others, nor do they suppress another person's growth. Acting out of envy is contrary to their nature, as a spiritually advanced person strives to overcome envy and carefully nurtures everyone in their care to grow.
- Please understand that you are a wonderful child of God, and God loves you unconditionally. You are unconditionally lovable just as you are, despite your flaws, faults, and errors. You need to cultivate spiritual self-love. You can get my spiritual self-love affirmation cards linked here.
- You have to understand your vulnerabilities and work on them in a 3-step process:
- Reveal Stage: Understand the narcissist for who they are and understand your own vulnerabilities that made you susceptible to them.
- Heal: Address all the difficult experiences that have left you with physical and emotional pain, broken confidence, and a loss of agency in yourself.
- Deal: Learn how to deal with narcissists, but only after completing the reveal and heal stages.
This process will help you reclaim your strength and sense of self after dealing with narcissistic abuse. I also have a course with a complete roadmap to help you heal. You can start there with the advanced or starter packs or definitely the free worksheet linked here to jumpstart your healing. - Now a very key point to give you confidence in yourself.
External behaviors and qualities, influenced by the modes of material nature (gunas), are secondary to the internal cultivation of pure devotion and the chanting of the holy names. This concept is deeply rooted in their teachings and can be found in various texts.
Here's a relevant excerpt from Harinama Chintamani by Bhaktivinoda Thakur that addresses this theme:
"All good qualities and virtues are found in a person who has unflinching devotion to the Supreme Lord. However, those qualities that arise due to the influence of the modes of material nature (sattva, rajas, and tamas) are not of much value compared to the qualities that arise from pure devotional service. The supreme quality of a devotee is their attachment to chanting the holy names of the Lord. This is the
ultimate measure of their spiritual advancement."
For the narcissist their external spiritual behavior is motivated by the mode of passion and ignoreance- passion because they want something out of it - name , fame - the narcissistic supply. Ignorance because they fool themsleevs that this is spirituality.
Chanting purely, calling out with surrender is not possible when one has material attachments, for a narcisisst it is about ego aggrandizement.
Kunti devi says in the Srimad Bhagavatam in the verse 1.8.26:
janmaiśvarya-śruta-śrībhir edhamāna-madaḥ pumān
naivārhaty abhidhātuṁ vai tvām akiñcana-gocaram
My Lord, Your Lordship can easily be approached, but only by those who are materially exhausted. One who is on the path of [material] progress, trying to improve himself with respectable parentage, great opulence, high education and bodily beauty, cannot approach You with sincere feeling.
Always Remember This
Not all people who portray themselves spiritually are sincere. Some, like narcissists, do so to gain quick narcissistic supply by presenting themselves as elevated spiritualists. You have to trust your inner guidance and inner truth and work on your healing. Sometimes, you may need to stop listening to spiritual mentors who may not truly understand what you are going through, and whose spiritual solutions may be unhelpful to you.Trust your inner guidance, your root, and your core for what is right. Seek out the right people who can help you recover all the broken and lost parts of yourself.
Why do Spiritual Organizations Give Positions to Spiritual Narcissists?
They may dump you and continue moving and serving in spiritual circles, receiving great praise and empathy for their tolerance and surrender, and explaining how their household life was a trap.
Also, understand that while spiritual organizations are set up for the right causes, they tend to have the same organizational flaws as other organizations. Projects are often prioritized over people, and those who run these projects are given the praise they need to encourage them to stick around and continue their work.
Trust Your Inner Guidance
My Podcast on The Topic
Categories: : Narcissism