Reactive Abuse: Emotional Abusers Push You to React and Blame you for it

Recognize your vulnerabilities and follow these 8 techniques to cope

Reactive abuse is a form of manipulation where the narcissist provokes their victim into reacting emotionally, and then uses that reaction to further control and abuse them. Narcissists are experts at pushing people's buttons and exploiting their vulnerabilities, and it can be incredibly difficult to not take the bait and react.

This discussion has four parts:

A client story to understand how reactive abuse works
Five reasons why people become susceptible to reactive abuse
Examples from scriptures
Four long-term and four "in the moment" strategies to overcome this.

Client Story

My client's husband would often make changes to their plans without informing her, and would not fulfill his responsibilities in the relationship. He would cancel outings, have guests over without warning, and not show up to events. Even when she was sick, he would not be there to support her. He would deflect blame and not take responsibility for his actions, causing my client to feel unsupported and disrespected. Despite her efforts to express her frustration and hold him accountable, he would provoke her into becoming more upset and emotional, instead of understanding and empathizing with her feelings.

He would provoke her by saying - she was too demanding, her tone of voice was questioning, she had no right to be angry or upset as it wasn't such a big deal. My client would get provoked because she felt she was not being understood and she would get even more upset and angry. She would react with greater intensity and he would then act

like a victim who was being screamed at and scolded at.

This is a tactic commonly used by narcissists, as they are experts at exploiting vulnerabilities and pushing people's buttons. By provoking a strong emotional reaction from their victim, they can deflect blame back to the victim for being too harsh or emotional. This further undermines the victim's confidence in their own reality and makes it difficult for them to hold the abuser accountable for their original abusive or inconsiderate actions.

Over time, my client began to doubt her own thoughts and reactions. She felt guilty and confused as she experienced more and more instances of abandonment, broken promises, and a disregard for the norms of a husband-wife relationship. Despite her efforts to suppress her emotions and communicate her needs in a better way, she found that her needs were still not met and she was continually gaslighted for expressing them. As a result, she became irritable and increasingly angry and upset when her husband repeated these patterns. However, every time she expressed her emotions, her husband would blame her for being overly angry and upset, causing her to feel like she was walking on eggshells. This led to her losing faith in her spiritual practices, withdrawing from communication with her husband, and ultimately breaking down emotionally to the point where her behavior became unrecognizable to her.

As a result of her husband's repeated emotional abuse, my client became so confused and uncertain about her reactions that she withdrew from social situations. She felt that she didn't know how to communicate effectively anymore, due to the constant criticism and abuse she faced for expressing her reactions to her husband's behavior. The ongoing gaslighting and manipulation she faced had caused her to lose trust in herself and her own reactions, making it difficult for her to feel comfortable in social situations. This further isolated her and made her more vulnerable to her husband's abuse, creating a cycle of abuse and isolation.

5 Possible Reasons That One Becomes Susceptible to Reactive Abuse

A history of emotional neglect or invalidation can create a deep-seated need for validation and acceptance, which can be exploited by narcissists through withholding validation and offering it as a reward for certain behavior.
A lack of healthy boundaries can make it easy for narcissists to test and take advantage of someone.
A lack of self-confidence can make it difficult for the victim to stand up for themselves and assert their own needs.
A belief that the relationship is everything and without it, they are nothing can make the victim willing to do anything to maintain it, even at the cost of their own well-being.
Lack of assertiveness due to misunderstanding of cultural and religious teachings can also make someone susceptible to reactive abuse. They may believe that it's their duty to tolerate abuse or that speaking up for themselves goes against their cultural or religious beliefs.

Examples of Assertive Communication from Our Scriptures

Here the speaker is not judged nor abused for speaking assertively:

In the Ramayana, Sita tells Rama not to have weapons in their Kutir during their Vanvas, and she conveys this message strongly. Rama, as a loving and self-confident partner, listens and understands Sita's perspective and holds his ground on why he believes weapons are necessary.
Similarly, in the Mahabharata, Draupadi speaks assertively to the Pandavas about being active in their work and in war strategy, and her self-confident husbands listen and respect her opinions. The Pandavas also assert themselves and their needs to the Kauravas, without suppressing themselves in the name of culture and fake tolerance.
In the story of Dhruva Maharaj, he speaks assertively when Narada Muni asks him to give up his anger and go back to being a young boy and Narada Muni accepts him for who he is and guides him accordingly.

What Can People Caught Up in Reactive Abuse Do?

4 In the moment strategies

To avoid falling victim to a narcissist's manipulation, it's important to practice self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-regulation in the moment.
Recognize when the narcissist is attempting to provoke a reaction and take a step back to evaluate the situation before responding. When threatened and unable to be assertive, it's best to withdraw and revisit the discussion at a later time.
Utilize "I" statements to express your feelings, such as "I feel like you are trying to provoke me" and calmly state your desired outcome. Clear boundaries and assertive communication can also be effective in these situations.
Be compassionate with yourself if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, and remember to show yourself love and kindness even if you were not able to recognize the manipulation in the past or future.

4 long term strategies:

To become less vulnerable to reactive abuse, it is important to address past traumas and negative patterns in relationships.
Life coaching can be a valuable tool in working through these issues and developing the necessary skills and tools to set and maintain healthy boundaries and build a strong sense of self.
Incorporating regular yoga techniques and striving to keep the body's doshas of vata, pitta, and kapha in balance can also be beneficial.
Setting a personal goal and taking small steps towards achieving it can help rebuild confidence and a sense of personal capability.

Hope this article helps you understand how emotionally abusive people instigate you to react and then use your reaction to abuse you further. Also if you can start the long term and in the moment strategies to deal with reactive abuse you will a lot better and be yourself.

At EASE Life Coaching , we teach our clients how to recognize these signs of toxic relationships, understand and heal their own vulnerabilities so they are no longer susceptible to the manipulative tendencies of a narcissist. We help our client's develop an adult response. It can be hard to navigate all of this alone, heal your vulnerabilities and practice these 8 steps. It helps to have a coach who is focused on helping you recover to become healed and whole.

PODCAST

You can also hear my podcast on the topic here:

Categories: Narcissism