Stop Trying to Change Your Partner: Become Emotionally Independent, Avoid Codependency

What to do when you see that your partner has an unhealthy relationship style?

When we're in a relationship, it can be easy to see the flaws in our partner's behavior and think that we need to fix them. However, focusing solely on fixing our partner can be detrimental to our own well-being and the health of the relationship.

Codependent individuals may feel that they can only be happy if their partner learns to love them in the "right" way. They may believe that if they can just fix their partner's perceived flaws, they will finally feel loved, safe, and secure. However, this approach is often based on a flawed belief that their partner is the only source of their happiness and well-being. In reality, true emotional security comes from within, and seeking validation solely from another person can ultimately lead to disappointment and frustration. It's important for codependent individuals to recognize their own worth and focus on developing a sense of self-love and emotional security, rather than trying to "fix" their partner in an attempt to find happiness.

What Should One Do Instead?

Instead, it's essential to focus on developing our own healthy relationship style and becoming emotionally secure within ourselves. This means understanding our own attachment style, recognizing our own patterns and behaviors, and working on our own personal growth and healing.

Once we've achieved a level of emotional security, we can then work towards supporting and encouraging our partner with love, compassion, and understanding. We can communicate openly and honestly about our concerns and needs, while also respecting their boundaries and autonomy.

However, it's important to be realistic and understand that our partner may not change or grow in the ways we hope. We need to be prepared to accept them as they are while remaining secure in our own self.

It's crucial to remember that we cannot make our happiness and growth dependent upon another person's transformation. We can work towards building a healthy and fulfilling relationship that supports our own growth and well-being.

Examples From Scripture

Cyavana Muni was known for his gruff and unapproachable personality, which often resulted in him mistreating his wife. Despite this, his wife remained emotionally secure within herself and did not allow his behavior to impact her own self-worth or well-being. She remained solid in her own values and beliefs, and did not compromise on them even in the face of mistreatment. Her strength and resilience enabled her to maintain her own emotional security, and she did not become codependent or clingy in response to her husband's actions.

In the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna played the role of a human to teach us. As the Lord himself, he remained emotionally secure and didn't let external circumstances shake him. When Arjuna was struggling with confusion and fear about his duty in the upcoming battle, Lord Krishna provided him with guidance and support. His own emotional stability allowed him to be a steady and supportive presence for Arjuna. He did not try to change Arjuna's decisions or thought process to suit His own agenda. This example underscores the significance of being emotionally secure in our ability to encourage and support others in their personal growth and healing. It also underscores that we can be happy within even if our partner does not act the way we want them to act. We can still be stable and secure in our own selves.


In conclusion, it's important to remember that we cannot make our happiness and growth dependent upon another person's transformation. It's important to focus on becoming secure in ourselves and our own relationship style, and then work towards supporting and encouraging our partners with love. We should be prepared for the fact that our partner may not change, and we should be secure in our own selves regardless of the outcome.

How can we help?

Codependency and emotional insecurity can be a hard thing to shake off on your own. At EASE Life Coaching we have helped many clients become more emotionally secure and solid in themselves. It has also helped them nurture their marriage and work on their purpose. Sign up here to get expert coaching from Team EASE Coaches/ Namita Purohit

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Categories: Relationships