Can a Narcissist Change? Can you Fix the Toxic Narcissist?

Change in a narcissist requires a deep level of self-awareness and willingness to change, which is difficult for those with narcissistic tendencies

In this blog post, we will delve into the complex and often-asked question of whether or not a narcissist can change. Many individuals in narcissistic relationships often reach out to us, seeking guidance on how to help their partner transform. Unfortunately, there is no straightforward answer to this question. The ability for a narcissist to change depends on where they fall on the spectrum of narcissism.

It is important to note that anyone can change, regardless of their personality disorder. However, the path to healing for a narcissist is long and challenging. For those on the higher end of the spectrum, who possess more narcissistic traits than not, the likelihood of true healing and transformation is slim. This is a difficult reality, but one that must be acknowledged in order to move forward in a healthy and productive manner.

Duryodhana From The Mahabharata

In the epic tale of the Mahabharata, one character who embodies the traits of a classic narcissist is Duryodhana. As we analyze his actions and opportunities for inner transformation, it becomes clear that he is unable to take responsibility for his actions and make positive changes.

Duryodhana, the eldest brother of the Kuru clan, is determined to claim the throne by any means necessary. He is willing to commit heinous acts such as disrobing his brothers" wife and murder even against his own brothers, just order to achieve his goal. His lack of empathy and remorse is evident in the way he treats others, causing immense harm to those around him.

Despite multiple opportunities for introspection and growth, Duryodhana remained stubbornly self-absorbed. He was unable to take a light-hearted comment from Draupadi in his stride when he mistakes the flooring of the palace of illusion for water.

Duryodhana's reaction to this incident is a classic narcissistic characteristic, where he overreacts to a small embarrassment and takes it as a personal affront. It was a palace of illusions and nobody would have been able to differentiate between the floor and the water there. Instead of forgiving himself for not being able to figure out the illusion, he becomes ashamed of his own inability and seeks to avenge the comment made by Draupadi. This is not how a healthy individual would react and it shows that Duryodhana lacks the ability to take criticism or embarrassment in stride.

During the war

He used his own family and gurus to achieve his goals, not caring about their lives. In the first chapter of the Bhagavad Gita, he gloriously announces that many great warriors and kings are ready to lay down their lives for him. This reveals his narcissistic obsession with wanting to be the king, and his willingness to sacrifice others for his own gain. Everyone is just an object to achieve his means. This deep-rooted envy, lack of empathy, lack of remorse, and lack of respect for other people's lives is demonstrated in how he is willing to put even his own friends, gurus, and brothers at risk to achieve his goals with one-pointed focus and attention.

His death

As he nears death, he reflects on his past life with satisfaction. He mentions that he had many things under his control, many people were willing to give their lives for him, and he had lived a life of dharma, did charity and learned the shastras well. However, he expresses no remorse for the wrongdoings he committed against his own family, the Pandavas, and the principles of Dharma. Some may say that change can be possible for a true narcissist when they are in a dire situation with no resources or hope, but Duryodhana's final thoughts at death suggest otherwise.

Despite being in a dire situation with no resources or hope of achieving his narcissistic objectives, he reflects on his life in a very self-congratulatory manner. He speaks of his fantastic life, the things he had under his dominion, and how many were ready to give their lives for him. He claims to have lived dharmically, done charity and learned the shastra nicely. However, he displays no remorse for his wrongdoings to his own family, the Pandavas, and to Dharma itself. He doesn't realize that he was not on the side of Dharma and therefore, he could not have won the kingdom. Even as he eloquently speaks about philosophy, birth, disease, death, and the cycle of life, he fails to show any realization or ability to look into his own character and follies.

Narcissists Are Ill-Poised for Personal Growth and Transformation

Duryodhana's story in the Mahabharata serves as a reminder that true change is unlikely for individuals suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. Despite the difficult circumstances they may face, narcissists struggle to admit that their behavior is problematic and often lack the empathy and remorse necessary for true transformation.

While some may argue that temporary changes may occur for the sake of obtaining a new source of "supply", these shifts in behavior are often superficial and not genuine. It is important to recognize that narcissism exists on a spectrum, with some individuals being more prone to change than others. However, it is not uncommon for narcissistic individuals to die without any remorse or acknowledgement of the harm they caused to others, as they are unable to recognize or admit their own wrongdoing. Overall, it is important to understand that true change for a narcissist is unlikely and they will likely continue to engage in problematic behaviors.

2 Things That Are Impossible for a Narcissist

They Cannot Accept Their Imperfections

Transformation and personal growth require individuals to confront and accept their flaws and mistakes. This is a difficult task for many, but it is especially challenging for narcissists. Narcissistic individuals have a deep-seated need to believe that they are perfect and superior to others. They are unable to accept their own failures and imperfections, as this would undermine their self-image.

Narcissists have a tendency to disown their negative traits and disconnect from their imperfections. They do not want to look at these aspects of themselves, as it would mean acknowledging that they are not perfect and may have caused harm to others. This is unacceptable to them, as it would challenge their self-perception of being the best and most perfect.

To maintain this illusion of perfection, narcissists will constantly project an image of themselves as flawless to the outside world. They will go to great lengths to fool themselves and others into believing this illusion. This includes manipulating and manipulating others, and even lying to maintain their image.

Shame vs Remorse

When dealing with a narcissist, it is common for individuals to try and express their feelings of hurt or upset caused by the narcissist's behavior. They may try to express how much their behavior is hurting or upsetting them, and state how they feel when the narcissist acts in a certain way. However, this approach may not work with a narcissist. Instead of being drawn to empathy and self-reflection, the narcissist may feel empowered by this communication. They may feel that they have control over the person expressing their feelings and see it as a source of narcissistic supply.

Furthermore, when a request is made for the narcissist to change their behavior, they may not interpret it as a request, but rather as blame. This is because they connect it to shame, rather than remorse. The distinction between remorse and shame is key when understanding the behavior of a narcissist. Narcissists are incapable of feeling remorse because it requires empathy and the ability to understand and own up to their behavior. Remorse requires empathy which the narcissist has cut out from their life. This is because understanding the feelings of others would require the narcissist to acknowledge their own behavior and the impact it has on others, which would break their image of perfection. As a result, they cut out empathy from their lives and instead feel shame for not appearing perfect in the eyes of others.

Shame is a particularly difficult emotion for narcissists to deal with. This is because they often experience unreasonable shame, which can trigger feelings of rage and put them on the defensive. Narcissists often exist in a state of chronic victimhood, characterized by feelings of being sullen, resentful, petty, oppositional, and constantly aggrieved. They may be unable to accept responsibility for their actions and instead blame others for their problems, which can make it difficult for them to change their behavior and improve their relationships. It is important to understand that dealing with a narcissist requires a different approach than dealing with a non-narcissistic person, as they are not capable of feeling empathy or remorse in the same way as others.

Reasons Why You Want to Fix the Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist can be a difficult and draining experience. You may be experiencing struggles on three levels: your own emotions and needs, loneliness in the relationship, and seeing how the narcissist is suffering due to their own actions and behavior.

1. You are struggling emotionally while dealing with a person who lacks empathy and remorse. You feel alone in managing your feelings and must tread carefully to avoid triggering negative reactions. The narcissist may engage in gaslighting, manipulation, and behavior that undermines your self-worth and invalidate your needs and feelings. Despite your efforts, it becomes challenging to maintain the relationship and it may ultimately be impossible to have a healthy, fulfilling connection with the narcissist.

2. Loneliness: Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. You may find yourself struggling with a void in your life, both emotionally and in terms of the relationship itself. On one level, you are dealing with your own feelings of hurt, frustration, and despair. On another level, you may feel a sense of loss for the person you thought you knew, whether it be a wife, husband, parent, or friend. This loss can be a source of great pain and loneliness. You start thinking, "I want to fill up this void. I can fill up this void of this person changes but
the sad thing is they don't."

3.Empathy for the suffering narc: You may also see the narcissist suffering themselves as they are disconnected from their own needs and feelings, living for external validation and fame, and lacking compassion for themselves. It's a sad existence, and it's hard to watch someone live a life focused on the externals, while missing out on the richness and depth of a life where one can give and receive love. It's like a living hell, in fact.

You Think That Fixing Them Will Make Things Better for You

As you navigate the complex emotions and feelings that come with being in a relationship with a narcissist, you may find yourself wanting to fix the relationship or change the narcissist in order to alleviate your own pain and brokenness. However, it is important to recognize that this is not a viable solution. Instead, it is more beneficial for you to focus on taking care of yourself. You can hold yourself, care for yourself, heal yourself, strengthen yourself, become self-loving, self-partnered, and invest in your growth. This includes being aware of your own feelings and emotions, investing in your personal growth and self-love, and healing any broken parts or vulnerabilities that may make you susceptible to narcissistic behaviors. By focusing on your own transformation and healing, you will likely see greater results than trying to change a narcissist.

Investing in yourself is a better option than trying to fix the narcissist or waiting for them to change

You may want to consider focusing on your spiritual growth and reaching your full potential as a person, as this is more beneficial than trying to change a narcissistic person in order to feel better. Invest in yourself, your feelings, struggles, vulnerabilities, and future by defining yourself outside of this one narcissistic relationship.

Seeking coaching can also be a valuable option. Through EASE Life Coaching, we offer one-on-one and group programs that specialize in helping people heal and cope with narcissistic abuse in both personal and professional settings. Our team of coaches are well-versed in the subject and have helped many clients overcome their own obstacles and grow despite their past experiences in toxic/abusive/narcissistic relationships. To learn more about our program, please visit this link and sign up.

Find below my podcast on the topic

Categories: : Narcissism