The Mother Wound Makes you a Target for Toxic/Narcissistic Abuse

The relationship with our mother in childhood creates a template for our future relationships.

The relationship with our mother in childhood creates a template for our future relationships. If this bond is disturbed and we don't feel safe, secure, and connected to our mothers, we become more susceptible to narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and partners. This has been observed in at least five clients that we have coached so far. Their stories illustrate how a disturbed relationship with their mother increased their susceptibility to such abuse.

The Bond with the Mother

When you are strongly bonded with your mother as a child, you learn to see yourself through her eyes. For instance, if you are in pain and your mother responds with care and empathy, you learn to recognize and name the sensation, and you develop the ability to take care of yourself in such situations. Additionally, the way your mother looks at you, welcomes you, and shows affection also affects your brain development as a baby, giving you a sense of safety and security. This feeling of security can be empowering and make you feel like you have a superpower.

When that bond is broken, or the mother is emotionally unavailable, lacks relationship skills, empathy, and other necessary qualities, the child feels rejected, unlovable, and unworthy. These unprocessed feelings can linger on and affect the child's emotional wellbeing for a long time.

A good mother-child bond is usually marked by the mother helping the child process their feelings, calm down, and feel secure. However, when this bond is absent, the child is left alone to deal with their emotions. This can lead the child to believe that their feelings and existence do not matter, affecting how they treat themselves. Such individuals become magnets for narcissists who seek out those with low self-worth and a lack of self-appreciation, making them vulnerable to love bombing and mistreatment.

Individuals with a mother wound, i.e., a disconnection from their mother, are often susceptible to narcissistic abuse. Since they do not know what it is to be treated with love and care, they become easy targets for love bombing. As a result, these individuals may not even realize that they are being mistreated because they are accustomed to suppressing their feelings. This increases their likelihood of ending up in toxic relationships.

Separation at Birth

I have two clients who share a similar story, so I'll discuss them together. When they were born, their mother had too many children to care for, so they were raised by their grandmother in her house. They felt loved and nourished by their grandmother. However, when they were around two or three years old, they had to return to their mother's home, where they did not receive the love, welcome, nurturing, and protection they needed to navigate the change from one home to another.

They have vivid memories of feeling scared and vulnerable, not knowing if they will be taken care of in this new home. They missed their grandmother and the nurturing they received from her. However, when they returned to their mother's home at a young age, they did not receive the love and protection they needed to navigate the change. As the mother was emotionally unresponsive and unavailable, they learned to suppress their feelings and feel unvalued. They continued like this, believing that their feelings did not matter.

Marrying The Wrong Person

Two clients from different countries shared a similar experience. When it came to deciding whom to marry, they felt uncomfortable but couldn't articulate their feelings due to their history of suppressing emotions. As a result, they married and struggled in those relationships. One client was from Bangladesh and migrated to the US, while the other was from India.

The Bangladeshi woman had a narcissistic mother who didn't allow her to shine or feel appreciated, resulting in low self-esteem. Despite recognizing the signs of another narcissist in her partner, she felt she had no value. She was so used to suppressing her inner guidance and feelings that she settled for the marriage even if her gut told her otherwise. She suffered and struggled terribly as a result.

Afraid To Shine

She suppressed her own capabilities to avoid triggering her mother, and this carried over into her marriage where she continued to suppress herself to avoid causing discomfort for her narcissistic husband.

She had suppressed herself so much that even when presented with opportunities to shine, she would subconsciously create accidents that rendered her unable to take the lead - a physical accident that affected the functioning of her arms & legs and many more such incidents. Thus she remained in the background and kept the status quo so her home life with her narcissistic husband could be peaceful.

When Children Help Their Mother in Emotional Regulation

Another woman had to act as her mother's support system, providing emotional regulation and balance for her. Instead of her mother helping her connect with her own needs and feelings, she had learned to suppress them completely by always prioritizing her mother's needs.

Having learned to disregard her own needs and feelings, she became disconnected from her inner voice and was unable to recognize when she felt uncomfortable or comfortable, or when she liked or disliked something, because she had internalized the disregard shown to her by her mother.

She married a narcissist, despite the warning signs. Although the signs triggered some caution in her, she had become so disconnected from her inner voice that she ignored them and ended up in that situation.

Wow, so much Love!

I had another client who grew up with a dominating, narcissistic mother. However, instead of becoming independent, this client became extremely needy, clingy, and vulnerable. When she was searching for a partner, she was love-bombed by someone and became enamored with the attention, feeling like no one had ever given her that much love and affection before. She ended up getting into a relationship with him but later suffered a lot because of the narcissistic abuse.

Self-Love: Honour Your Needs & Feelings

These women had to learn how to prioritize their own needs and feelings, heal their troubled relationship with their mothers, and reconnect with their true selves. As a result, they were able to reclaim their femininity and become resilient to any future toxic or narcissistic abuse.

It's not only about marrying the wrong person, but also attracting friends and bosses who may abuse you because you have learned to not value yourself. Narcissists devalue you, and because you are comfortable with that, you become more susceptible to toxic relationships.

To reduce our vulnerability to toxic relationships and heal from a mother wound, it's crucial to acknowledge and address the issue. Healing the mother wound involves reconnecting with ourselves and understanding that our mothers may have had their own wounds that prevented them from providing the emotional support we needed. We must learn to love ourselves and become our own partners in order to overcome our susceptibility to toxic relationships.

Connect With The Divine Feminine

To overcome the mother wound, it's important to not only love and partner with yourself, but also to reconnect with your mother. This can be done by visualizing and making a connection with her energy, love, and affection in the way that you desired. If you are unable to do that, then you want to connect with the divine feminine- Durga Devi, Radharani, Sita Devi - visualize their feminine energy nurturing you, protecting you, supporting you in a way that you did not receive from your mother.

To reduce susceptibility to toxic and narcissistic abuse, it's important to first partner with oneself and take care of one's own needs. We have an 8 week Self-love Deep Dive Course that you can enroll in to learn how to honor your needs and feelings, be compassionate to yourself and learn how to love yourself. When you do that you become really strong within and are no longer susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

Once healed, individuals can then reconnect with their mother in a new way. For those who have a mother wound, it's important to work on healing it, and for mothers, it's important to be mindful of their interactions with their children as it can shape their future relationships and self-perception. By healing the mother wound, individuals can reduce their susceptibility to toxic and narcissistic abuse.

At EASE Life Coaching , we teach our clients how to recognize these signs of toxic relationships, understand and heal their own vulnerabilities so they are no longer susceptible to the manipulative tendencies of a narcissist. You can sign up for our Life coaching programs here to help you heal yourself

I wish you the best in your path to liberation from the pain and trauma of being close to a Narcissist!

I also have a podcast related to this topic:

Categories: : Narcissism