Empaths: Don't Repress Your Anger, Feel it Fully to Set Boundaries with Narcissists

Embracing their repressed anger and feeling it fully is a key for empaths to set strong boundaries and heal from narcissistic abuse

To free themselves from the clutches of narcissistic abuse one skill the empaths need to learn is to "Feel their rage more fully". One may argue that rage is a bad emotion that spoils things. When rage can spoil relationships, affect our health our mood and ability to do things- Why am I encouraging empaths to feel their rage more fully.

I have a different take on this. I say that over half the human population has felt or currently has something that triggers rage from within them. We have never been taught how to deal with this complex emotional experience of rage. In fact, most of us don’t understand what rage is, or are scared of an outburst as we try to suppress it within ourselves. This way of relating to rage is a painful trap for most, especially the Empaths.

Rage is a feeling that gets “triggered” by a perceived or real boundary violation, threat of abandonment or neglect, or threat of something traumatic occurring. This could be for the self, or towards someone or something we care about. In a way, rage protects us from these traumatic situations. Thus, rage or anger can actually be your ally - your true friend indicating dangers to you.

However empaths grow up learning that rage is bad. They believe that those with good virtues learn how to tolerate all types of situations. That they must balance and keep everyone around them happy.

Why Are Empaths Unable To Feel Their Rage Fully?

I had a client who had a narcissistic mother. Her mother competed with her in everything. She would feel jealous and scold her if my client was praised for her good looks. Whenever she did well in college, her mother would suppress her success and not let anyone in the house talk about it. If my client ever spoke up and protested against her mother's behavior, her mother would lash out at her and play the victim(reactive abuse in full flow)

When her father would try to protect her, the mother would create a scene and create a very toxic atmosphere at home- silent treatment not doing her motherly duties and more. My client learned to suppress her emotions, be a good girl so she never falls in trouble with her mother. Also have impeccable perfect behavior so her mother's mood would stay calm and the atmosphere at home would not be toxic.

What do we learn from this story? 2 reasons why empaths are unable to feel their rage fully!

One possible explanation for this behavior could be a traumatic childhood where the individual was not allowed to understand or express their own needs and emotions. They may have been reprimanded for expressing their likes and dislikes and held responsible for everything.
Empaths tend to suppress their anger and hatred towards others, as they use their compassionate nature and self-imposed high standards of integrity to understand others' motivations and show compassion despite their harmful actions. This also enables them to ignore their own pain and fear of causing harm and disconnection.

What Happens to Empaths When They Do Not Feel Their Rage Fully?

Empaths believe that it's their responsibility to maintain the peace and stability in their relationship with a Narcissist, despite all the emotional pain and abuse they endure.
Since they are inclined to have high standards of personal integrity and strives to ensure the well-being of others, often finds themselves repressing their anger and prioritizing the needs, "concerns," or "hurts" of the Narcissistic person. This is done with the intention of "helping" the Narcissist and protecting themselves from being blamed for not having the right behavior. As a result, the Empath is constantly monitoring their own goodness and taking on an excessive amount of responsibility.
Empaths suppress their rage to prove themselves as good and maintain relationship connection. They may also use their spirituality to generate more loving, accepting and compassionate states. They use these to bypass feelings of rage and identify as a healer in service of helping others and the narcissist. This helps them avoid depression and maintain peace and connection.

Why It's Important for Empaths to Feel Their Rage Fully

The Empath-Narcissist dynamic can persist as long as the Empath continues to repress their anger and allows the Narcissist to breach boundaries. When the Empath does express their anger, the Narcissist will use it to further accuse them of being "harmful," "abusive," or even Narcissistic. The Empath's strong sense of obligation towards others and fear of being perceived as "bad" causes them to work harder at being understanding and compassionate, resulting in an internal buildup of rage and occasional explosive behavior.
Secondly, The cycle between an Empath and a Narcissist can be difficult to break. The Empath's need to be understanding and empathetic to avoid being labeled as "bad" often leads to repressing their anger and disregarding the boundaries that the Narcissist crosses. However, expressing their anger only results in the Narcissist blaming them and further reinforces the cycle. The constant effort to maintain their nonviolent, responsible, and compassionate identity takes a toll on the Empath and can lead to exhaustion, self-criticism, and depression. The Empath's fear of hurting their sensitive Narcissist only perpetuates the cycle.

My client's narcissistic husband could abuse her in many ways because she had no personal boundaries. She tolerated all his everything he did to her. She had to learn that it's not okay when he shames her in front of guests at home. It's not okay when he dismisses her feelings and it's not okay when he left her alone to deal with a brain hemorrhage and a 2-month-old child without making any arrangements for her care. She had to handle everything on her own.

What Should the Empath Do?

For an Empath to break the cycle and heal, they must confront their own rage and accept that they have the right to feel angry, even if it causes harm. They must understand that it is acceptable to set boundaries, even if it means using unskilled or imperfect methods, such as hurting the other person's feelings or using blame as they learn.
The Empath must also acknowledge their powerlessness in the face of being repeatedly manipulated into providing care and empathy while the Narcissist refuses to hold themselves accountable. In some cases, it may be necessary to use aggression or force to defend oneself from someone who is taking advantage of their time, energy, and resources. This does not make the Empath Narcissistic, irresponsible, or entitled, but is a sign of self-love and dignity.
For Empaths who are struggling with a Narcissist in their lives, it's important to confront their rage. They should allow themselves to fully experience their anger and "darkness." As long as they have not caused harm to the Narcissist through stalking or physical or financial means, they have the right to feel angry. By embracing their rage, the Empath will no longer care about the Narcissist's opinions and the Narcissist will lose power over them. This shift will break the cycle of manipulation and bring the Empath one step closer to healing.
My client was able to do that. It was messy and confusing for her in the beginning . It was scary as well - her husband did not know how to deal with her boundaries and flew into narcissistic rage, tried to guilt her, demean her and defame her. He knew he could not control her and she did not take the bait of "you must be miss goody two shoes". Over a period of time she got stronger. She was strongly self-partnered and focused on her goals. She grew in her career and her health.

Feeling your rage is a crucial aspect of freeing yourself from the strict adherence to integrity, excessive self-accountability, and self-policing of empathy that you use to suppress your anger. This is part of the healing process and it will empower you to be stronger, more complete, and better equipped to set boundaries and receive care, while still being an authentic and effective Empath and healer.

At EASE Life Coaching , we teach our clients how to recognize these signs of toxic relationships, understand and heal their own vulnerabilities so they are no longer susceptible to the manipulative tendencies of a narcissist.

I wish you the best in your path to liberation from the pain and trauma of being close to a Narcissist!

I also have a podcast related to this topic:

Categories: : Narcissism