Protect Your Kids from Carrying Trauma into Their Future: Parenting with a Narcissist

How can parents—whether married to a narcissist or co-parenting with one—protect their children from carrying trauma into their future?

(Image Credit: Stanford Social Innovation Review)

Through my work with the Heal Strong program, where we help people make a complete recovery from toxic narcissistic abuse, I’ve seen firsthand how crucial it is to address this question: how can parents—whether married to a narcissist or co-parenting with one—protect their children from carrying trauma into their future? Let’s dive into this together, starting with a story that really hit home for me as I was preparing to write this.

This blog is part of my ongoing series on parenting with a narcissist—you can find more articles linked here! I’ve already explored survival strategies, daily coping tips when the narcissist turns the kids against you, and practical ways to shield kids from manipulation on a day-to-day basis. But today’s focus is different. We’re zooming in on the long-term impact—how trauma lingers in a child raised by a narcissist and, more importantly, what you can do to stop that cycle. Stick with me—there’s hope ahead!

How Narcissism Impacts Kids: A Client’s Story

I couldn’t stop thinking about one of my clients as I prepared this. I’m sure he’ll be fine with me sharing this—he’s given me permission—and his story is such a powerful example. He is a high-performing individual, a leader with tons of potential in his tech company. But at 48, he found himself stuck. He watched peers—who weren’t as good or as smart as him—climb the ladder to roles like Chief Technology Officer or launch their own startups. He knew he had the same capacity, even better, and he knew it was possible for him. But he just couldn’t reach that position. Why? Well, more than anything, it was because he didn’t have the support of his wife. She’s a classic narcissist. A few years ago, his own son tried to take his life because he couldn’t deal with the trauma coming from his mom.

Can you imagine? As I’ve been working with this client, guiding him through the five stages we use in the Heal Strong program to recover from toxic narcissistic abuse—Reveal, Peel, Heal, Deal, and Zeal—one thing really stood out. It was that last stage, Zeal, where you’re living a life of purpose, passion, and commitment to God and your spirituality. He got the spiritual part fixed—he started enhancing his Bhagavad Gita reading and was loving the philosophy—but the passion and purpose part? That’s where we hit a wall. It turned out he’d lost out on his career growth, and his son was carrying this heavy trauma.

The reason? He’s a classic empath—super susceptible to narcissistic abuse—and he spent years making all the adjustments he could to keep his wife happy. “Oh, if I do this, it’ll please her. Let me do that. Maybe this will work.” On and on it went. He ended up doing all the household chores, the cooking, the pickups and drop-offs for the kids. Meanwhile, his career fell behind, and then came that terrible moment when his son tried to end his life.

Signs of Trauma in Children

That moment was a wake-up call for this father. As we worked through his history, it became clear why this was happening. He’s a beautiful, caring, loving person, but he internalized the way his mother handled her narcissistic father. She was a traditional Indian lady from many years ago, and her way of dealing with her husband—my client’s narcissistic father—was to just give in. Keep the peace. Give in, give in, give in. That’s what he learned growing up. That’s how he coped with his dad. And then, guess what? He ended up with a narcissistic wife and kept doing the same thing—hoping one day it’d bring peace, support, or love. But it didn’t.

This is how trauma transfers from one generation to the next. You’ve got one narcissistic parent—his father—and just being around him, my client internalized a certain way of being, a certain way of living. Then, he gets married, and usually, when you’re raised by a narcissist, you attract a narcissist. It’s so true for lots of women too—narcissistic mom, and years later, they’re with a narcissistic partner. It can take ages to realize what’s happened. (I’ve written about this elsewhere—you can search my site or check the link I’ll try to pop up somewhere!) So, back to the story: raised by a narcissist, he internalized those coping mechanisms, carried them into his marriage, and couldn’t see his wife for who she was.

He trusted her with parenting the kids, only to realize too late that his son was so traumatized by her. That’s when the light bulb went off. Something was off. It pushed him to research, to dig deeper, and eventually, to seek our help. He’s been a fantastic client, doing all the wonderful things we’re asking him to do.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Across Generations

Picture this: you’re a high-performing executive leader, running an organization of 200 or 300 people, crushing it at work. Then you come home to a narcissistic partner. But it’s not just that—you come home to all the difficulties your child has faced with them that day. You’re wondering how to help. You feel sad, disturbed, helpless, because your kid’s been gaslighted, used as narcissistic supply, pitted against you. (I’ve written more on how narcissists pull kids away and turn them against you—check it out!) Maybe your child was promised treats or fun stuff the parent would do with them, but once the narcissist got what they wanted, those promises fell apart. Or they changed their mind, leaving your kid hanging.

Narcissists love that—seeing someone on tenterhooks, craving their attention. It’s massive supply for them. And then you see your child picking up narcissistic traits, getting the silent treatment, or being manipulated all day. Like this one time: “Yeah, I’ll pick you up after school,” the mom says. A minute before pickup, she texts on the family chat, “Ask your dad to pick you up.” The kid writes, “Dad, please pick me up.” Dad drives 30 minutes to get there, only to find out Mom’s already there, ready to pick him up. Crazy behavior, right? It’s manipulation—not just of the child, but to settle scores with you too.

That’s what you’re facing after a great day at work, full of accomplishments. You don’t know how to deal with it. You worry about your child’s mental health, their nurturing, their growth. You feel powerless to protect them from this narcissistic parent—your spouse, your partner. It’s brutal for any parent. And the big fear? That this trauma carries into their future. You raise adults, but they’re walking around with this wounded inner child, hurt by the narcissist, shaped by the trouble they’ve been through. Those coping mechanisms they develop? They can make them easy targets for more narcissistic abuse down the road, or lead them to sacrifice their career, their well-being, so much of themselves.

3 Practical Strategies to Follow

1) Healing Yourself First

So, what can you do about it? I’ve got three things for you. First up: work on strengthening yourself. Heal from the abuse you’ve gone through in that marriage or relationship. Heal the vulnerabilities that made you susceptible to narcissistic abuse. Take my client—his mom had this unhealed coping mechanism, he learned it, carried it into his marriage, and at 48, he’s like, “Wow, I need new ways of being.”

But here’s the magic: when you, as a parent, heal yourself—when you’re strongly self-partnered, self-loving, and you’ve overcome your hooks and learned to deal with the narcissist from a healthy, whole space—your child learns that too. You don’t want them bitter, resentful, angry, or calling the other parent names—that’s not healthy. Instead, your own healing, your journey, your behavior teaches them how to handle that narcissistic parent.

It’s the biggest gift you can give them, no matter what you say or how many boundaries you set. (I’ve shared tips on that in this blog!) My client’s doing this now, and you can too—sign up for one-on-one coaching with us!

2) Being a Strong, Stable Presence for Your Child

Next, be a strong and stable presence for your child. Once you’ve worked on yourself, show up as a predictable, ethical, unconditionally loving parent. They’re going through something horrendous with the narcissist—you want to be the contrast. I had another client whose mom was a narcissist, and she ended up marrying one too because of those vulnerabilities. But she caught on quick—stood her ground, set boundaries, and thrived. Why? Because she knew she was unconditionally lovable, not just an object to be mistreated. She knew her emotions mattered. How? Her dad gave her that. Despite her narcissistic mom, her father was this steady, dependable presence. He valued her feelings. If she was quiet and looked upset, he’d ask, “Is everything okay with you?” Kids learn how to care for themselves based on how their parents see and treat them. Because she had that solid experience—her dad holding his ground respectfully, not getting rattled by his narcissistic wife—she knew her worth and how to deal with narcissists. That’s how you help your kids too.

3)Teaching Kids Self-Love and Resilience

Third, teach your children self-love. Help them honor their needs, feelings, aspirations—their whole self: body, mind, soul. Show them how to have compassion for themselves when they face tough stuff with the narcissist. Be their coach, their parent, training them to hold it together through hard emotions, to self-care, to self-soothe. When you teach them they have immense value, they won’t fall into another narcissist’s trap or attract a narcissistic partner later in life. I’ll be diving into how to raise kids so they never attract a narcissist in a future post—stay tuned for that next week! But all of this starts with your own healing and recovery from toxic narcissistic abuse.

The Heal Strong Method: A Path to Recovery

That’s why I created the Heal Strong method—a proven five-step journey to full recovery from toxic narcissistic abuse. It takes away the guesswork and confusion. Here’s how it works:

First, Reveal—you truly understand the narcissistic traits in your relationship and how they’re impacting you.

Then Peel—you recognize the damage done and the inner strengths you need to build.

Heal comes next—a five-step process working on your body, energy, mind, intellect, and spirituality.

After that, Deal—you learn how to handle the narcissist (and trust me, it’s way more effective when you’ve nailed the first three steps).

Finally, Zeal—you live a life of purpose and passion, like we’re helping my client do now. True healing’s more than mindset shifts—it’s transformation at every level.

With Heal Strong, you get courses, resources like Ayurveda to heal your body, trauma release work, guided meditations, chakra work—all rooted in eastern wisdom like the Yoga Sutras and Bhagavad Gita, plus western psychology like CBT.

You’ve got one-on-one coaching, a supportive community, and my amazing team—me, plus heal coaches Poonam Batra and Sangeeta Goel. Together, we’ve helped hundreds of leaders and high performers like you recover fully. Want in? Apply for one-on-one coaching—links are below!

Final Thoughts and Call to Action

So, let’s wrap this up. I’d love for you to reflect on the three points I’ve shared today for your recovery—and your kids’.

1) First, heal yourself to show up whole for your child and stop trauma from passing down, like we saw in that first story.

2) Second, be that unconditionally loving, stable presence for them every day.

3) Third, teach them self-love—not the hedonistic kind that breeds narcissists, but a spiritual, God-conscious kind where they see themselves as unconditionally lovable, a part of the divine.

To do these, you need support. I invite you to apply for one-on-one coaching with us—I’d love to serve you! As we close, check out more of my videos on coparenting with a narcissist and healing from toxic narcissistic abuse. If you want to work with me, here’s a link to learn how we help people 1:1 and through group coaching.

Thanks so much for being here—I look forward to supporting you on this journey.

Find below my video on this topic if you would like to listen in

Categories: : Narcissism